


i am my own hell

by gluhs



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora comforting Catra, But she's trying, Catra working through issues, Catra's POV, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of PTSD, Nightmares, catra isnt perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:02:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24940534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluhs/pseuds/gluhs
Summary: it's only been a few weeks after the rebellion won against the Horde, and Catra is still feeling the effects.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 62





	i am my own hell

**Author's Note:**

> aaaa! i finished she-ra about a month ago and it's taken over my life ever since. this ship truly is my dream ship, and seeing this kind of representation is so inspiring, so this one-shot has been in the works for a bit now. this is mainly me trying to study catra's character.

Everything is hazy. Everything has been hazy. 

I’m standing in front of him again, but it feels even worse than it did before. When I used to be able to feel his hands touch my face, my neck, my shoulders -- now I feel his eyes boring into me. He doesn’t even need to say anything for me to stick to the floor and cower. And I _hate_ to cower. And it’s the same speech over and over again -- “Oh, _your_ Adora,” and all I can think about is, _do not even put her name in your mouth never speak of her you don’t have the right to her name you don’t even have the right to think about her --_

But in every rendition of this dream, I always am met with the same ending. My toes dipping into the green pool of slime, blood, I never knew what it was but it was like nails on my skin -- it tears into you, like it’s seeping through your body, and you can’t run from it because it’s all around you -- I still found clumps of it in my fur weeks after Adora came for me. Each time I go into the pit, I think of the same thing.

“Catra! Catra?” 

No, I don’t think of myself, what-- then I’m out of the green pool, I’m standing on the edge of a platform and I remember looking into Adora’s eyes -- 

“ _Catra!_ ” Adora’s hands are on my shoulders practically shaking me, and I’m not on his ship anymore. I’m staring directly at Adora hovering over me with a crazed look in her eyes, and my first instinct is to hiss. “Catra, it’s just me--” 

“I know who you are,” I mumble, turning over and stuffing my face in a pillow. I don’t like when she sees me like this, and I’ve told her that multiple times. _If I’m having a nightmare, don’t wake me up,_ I say, _I’ll stop dreaming about it eventually._ But, like typical Adora, she comes up with a reason to save me from the perils of my own mind. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t frustrate me to no end.

Her hand rests on my shoulder again and I immediately think of turning over and holding her. It’s something I try to do a lot now that we’re so close again. But having to confront what I know she’s going to say is the hard part. She wants me to get better, and I know that. I want to get better too. But it just doesn’t work the way she wants it to. She can’t magically heal me from years of trauma. She can’t make my head work right. She knows that and I think she feels guilty for it. And I feel guilty for putting her through it.

“Catra, will you please talk to me?” She whispers. Her voice is hoarse and scratchy, and suddenly I feel a wave of hurt that radiates through my chest, my stomach -- this is all my fault, isn’t it? She’s crying over me. She wouldn’t be hurting if I wasn’t here. She could sleep in peace, and I would be…

I would be at peace. In Horde Prime’s “light.” 

I turn around and take a deep breath. The first thing I do is look at her, and of course, her face is puffy and her cheeks are wet. It almost makes me do the same thing. “I’m sorry,” I say, and I grab onto her hand. “It was the same dream again.” 

Adora’s eyes are stuck on me and I feel so small under her gaze, but it’s comforting when I feel her hand squeeze around mine. She takes a deep breath, too, and ducks her head. 

She says, almost so quietly I can’t hear her, “I wish I could take it away from you.” It’s not the best formed sentence, but I didn’t fall in love with her for her choice of words. I understand the sentiment. I understand that she’s in pain, and I understand that it’s caused by me. My instincts, my gut, my brain, my heart, everything is telling me to leave -- just get up and run out the door, jump out of the window -- _something,_ but I’ve been trying to get better, and I’d only hurt Adora more by doing that. 

“I know, Adora, I know. Honestly, I wish you could heal it too.” I try to laugh a little to lighten the mood. 

“You were screaming in your sleep.” She says, almost so fast I can’t register it. She says it so calmly. “I tried waking you up for almost five minutes, I thought -- I thought you were stuck. I was so scared.” Her eyes start to well up again, and when she blinks the tears fall onto our hands -- my brain feels like it’s blank. If I open my mouth I might puke.

“Do you feel safe here, Catra?” 

“I feel safe with you.” It’s true. Bright Moon is still weird for me. Seeing it from the inside the first time felt wrong, and I felt even worse because of all the times I tried to destroy it, and now I’m sleeping in our big room with our fancy bed and real food and what is honestly a paradise compared to the Fright Zone -- and I tried with my whole being to ruin it. But when I walk the halls with Adora, it feels right. When we sit down at the battle conference table together, it feels right. When she takes me out to the garden to teach me about the flowers and plants they grow, it feels right. Maybe it’s because Adora heals everything she touches. And I kill. 

Adora scoots closer and wraps her arms around me. “You will _never_ go through anything like that again, Catra. I’m not letting you go.” 

I immediately think of all the snarky remarks I could make to her, but another thing I've learned is that some things are better left unsaid. Instead, I rest my head on her chest, fitting perfectly under her chin -- we’re like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. We used to joke about that all the time in the Fright Zone. 

“I never want to let you go, either.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments and feedback are super appreciated!!! i'm thinking of writing a chaptered fic with an actual plotline (picking up like right after s5), so lemme know if anyone would want that!  
> find me on insta @sleepdr1fter or tumblr @catrainthereal


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